A million miles per hour. These are my thoughts. Racing. Speeding along. Frustrated. Irrititable. Angry, oh so angry. My heart is thumping. My hands are shaking. I’m praying. I don’t even know what I’m praying for. Some semblance of control? I want to scream at the top of my lungs. So I do.
I startle myself with the scream. I’m alone in the car, the windows are up, no one in the world can hear it’s piercing, harsh sound, and nobody can look at me like I am crazy. I let out one long, guttural yell, animal like in it’s intensity. It hurt my throat to yell like this, and afterwards I felt raw, scratchy, and hoarse. I also felt better.
That scream let out a lot of hot air, and like a deflated balloon I felt my anger dissipating into nothingness, emptiness. The car was now quiet. I was emptied of my anger.
I can’t even tell you who I was yelling at. The lady at the grocery store, who was so rude to me, that she made angry tears spring to my eyes? Or every single person who has hurt me, used me, taken advantage of my kindness, brought out the worst in me? The people responsible for these horrendous stories I see on the news, who hurt and destroy precious lives? The fact that I am two days late and I took yet another pregnancy test that was a blaring and obvious negative? Maybe it’s because yesterday I bought an antique high chair for a baby that hasn’t even been conceived yet? That I feel absolutely crazy in my hopefulness? That I am still hanging on to a small shred of hope that I might be one of the ten percent that just doesn’t make enough of the pregnancy hormone to trigger a positive on a pregnancy test? Nevermind that ninety percent of the female population would have had a positive result after a missed period, or that half of them would have tested positive before they were even late? I could be one of the wierd ones, right?
Typical for me. I could be the oddball who takes a while to catch up, the late implanter, the late bloomer, it could still be possible. I am odd. But, I’m never late. Ever. That’s the hopeful spark in me. But the doubts, they creep in. They taunt me like that single line on that test, the one that says no. You’re not. Not you. Not today. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, go straight to infertility jail. Better luck next time.
Or maybe I’m screaming like a crazy loon because I’m tense, I feel coiled up and ready to spring. I have all this pent up energy because I have had an absolutely amazing week. Truly. God answered a prayer for me that I thought would be near impossible, work is going really well, I have received blessing, upon blessing, upon blessing, I have a good little roof over my head, plenty of food in my fridge, and brand new, really comfy work boots on my feet. Why am I even upset? Because I am greedy? I want more than I deserve? Maybe because I had such a fabulous, mind-blowing week, I thought when I peed on that stupid, little stick this morning that those two magic lines were going to pop up? I mean I just knew they were. I waited. And waited. Past the time frame, willing it to be positive. But it wasn’t. Again. I got my hopes way, way up, and they came crashing down like a ton of bricks.
Then of course, my mind plays tricks on me like that cruel bully in school. It taunts me with thoughts of how I don’t deserve all the blessings I do have, let alone the one that I don’t have. How I’ve wasted so much time, wasted gifts, lived an irresponsible past, I had goofed off too much, chain smoked and drank too much. Did somebody say drink? Smoke? I haven’t had a beer or cigarette in years, but that sounds really good right about now, I’m super stressed, and I need to unwind, – wait what?? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? No. Absolutely not.
So I drive down the road, and I yell at the top of my lungs and I am emptied. Emptied of my anger, but not my doubts. Those doubts that I have so recently conquered, or so I thought. I have come so far with my faith, my life, my love, my hopes, my dreams. I have fought my demons like a warrior , and I have beat those horrible opponents, and smashed through walls and barriers like a war crazed soldier. I have won. But the battle, it continues.
So what happens now? Yesterday I was so happy. So hopeful. I was a winner. Why do I feel this way today?
I let my guard down. It’s spiritual warfare, and it’s something that I truly believe exists. If you believe in God, you need to understand that there is a devil. And he prowls.
It isn’t only during the bad times that Satan comes to bring up your past mistakes, to fill you with doubt, remorse, or fear, or anger. He comes in like a thief in the night, when all seems well, to steal your joy. He wants you miserable, because misery leads to suffering and backsliding. He is the harvester of misery and suffering, and he looks for a seed of doubt to plant a crop of pain and sadness. He wants us to go backwards. He wants us to slip, because when we slip, we fall, and sometimes we fall hard.
I realize this. I think my scream was one not only for release, but for help. I cried out to my God, and my anger left, but I needed something else. I needed direction. So I drove.
I drove for an hour. I didn’t know where I was going. I drove and blared the radio. I drove some more, and turned the radio off and prayed in silence. I tuned out the rest of the entire world. I just drove. I ended up at a church I have never been to. A Catholic church. I pulled in an empty parking lot and walked over to a statue of a saint with his hand held out, a saint that I do not know. I grasped his hand and said simply, “Help me. I don’t know what I need, but help me.”
I returned to my car. My mind was quiet. I head home, thoughtful. My groceries needed to be put up, but that was the last thing on my mind. Quiet. My world was quiet. No more screaming on the inside for a world that doesn’t go my way. No more need to scream on the outside. No more anger. No more guilt for a past full of drinking and wasted time, wasted talents. No more doubts, no more fear. I was heading home, moving forward. I was following God, His path, His plan, and I trusted it.
I trust Him. I trust Him to get me where I am going, even if I don’t know how I’ll get there. I just know that He will.
So, not today, Satan. You can’t make me forget my God’s promises. Promises to give me a future and a hope. You can’t have my confidence, the confidence that I fought a bloody, messy war to win, and you can’t steal my joy. It belongs to me, it is a gift.
As I pulled off the highway, to head to the home that I am blessed with, I look in the rearview. My mind is at peace and I am feeling God’s hand in everything now, His touch on my very soul. I look in the rearview and I see a sign. A sign for me, a sign for anybody who has fought similar battles.
Wrong way, the sign says. Don’t go that way. That way is not the right way. What is behind you, is the wrong way. What you have left behind is the wrong way, it is gone, you’re moving forward, you’re moving in the right direction. What’s behind you is the wrong way, and you’re not going that way. Not anymore.
You’re going home. You’re following the right path, the path that requires you to wake up every morning and rejoice, because life is good. God is good. And there is always, always, always something to be grateful for, and there is forever going to be something to hope for. I am following the path of hope. The path of my Lord, who is my hope, who wants to bless me, who loves me, and doesn’t look at what’s behind me. He steers me to what’s ahead, a future with Him, taking the wheel, if I just will let him. If I trust him.
And you know what? I want to let Him drive. So I will. Looking straight ahead with a smile on my face, I choose to let God guide me on the best adventure yet. It’s going to be full of surprises, but I trust Him. Finally.
Feel free to follow me on Instagram. @humblegirl1111 Where I try to offer hope and accept the same in return. 💙
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.