Day Five: A Dozen Reasons
I have a fondness for butterflies. I suppose a lot of people do, and I absolutely adore them. I giggle like a little girl when they land on me, and even took care of an injured Monarch in my home, who I named Alice, and who I built a little wonderland for, until she passed away after living out her life broken, but still beautiful. I buried her in my front yard, and next spring I plan to plant Celosia’s in her spot, Lord willing. I love Celosia’s as much as I love butterflies, to me they are both personal symbols of God’s love for me.
Butterflies represent new beginnings, changing from one creation to a completely new one, and are a wonderful symbol for people who have undergone a beautiful transformation. Whether that change be recovering from an addiction, the change of a woman blossoming with pregnancy into a new mother, a sinner who has found Jesus and had their sins wiped clean, or any other miraculous, God given change. To me, these are all examples of butterfly people. Becoming something beautiful, becoming something brand new.
Once, about eight years ago, I was facing a major decision, and was feeling unsure about what the right choice was. Sitting outside on my front steps, praying for guidance, I asked the Lord to help me decide. I made a choice, and shortly after making my choice, a gorgeous butterfly fluttered right in front of my face. With hope and faith, I held my palm out, and the butterfly floated right into my open hand.
I stared at it. It was very beautiful, large, with bright blue wings trimmed in black. I felt exuberantly happy, and suddenly felt very confident of the decision I had just made. I felt that it was the right choice for me, and as time marched along, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. This helped to establish in me a strong personal affinity for butterflies.
Years later, after trying for some time to conceive, and not being successful, but not yet stressed about it, as I had yet to begin all of the doctor’s appointments and useless fertility testing that would soon be coming, I had another visit from a very special butterfly. I was laying out poolside, with one of my closest friends in the entire world, Nicole.
Nicole is a beautiful lady who has the personality of sunshine. Just like the sun, she is bright, sparkling, and so warm to be around. She always makes me laugh, and this day was no different. I was enjoying a lazy day basking in the real sunshine and enjoying the light of my friend, giggling about something she’d been up to, and I was confiding in her about my fertility troubles. She always made me feel better, about everything, and this day was no different. She cracked a few jokes, and all my troubles were temporarily forgotten. She knew firsthand the feeling of being unable to get pregnant. It took her seven years to conceive her first child, before finally being diagnosed with PCOS, and treated with Metformin. For a while she even thought she would never get pregnant. So she cracked a few jokes, and all my troubles were temporarily forgotten.
We sat in silence for a while, the comfortable, relaxing quiet of a good friendship, just enjoying our day and thinking to ourselves.
My mind was still tumbling around with thoughts of having a baby, and how I had thought I would get pregnant right away. In fact, I remember secretly hoping that I was pregnant right then, as I had recently learned how to track ovulation, and I was excited about the new prenatal vitamins I was taking (I was still so naive about how hard we would end up having to try).
Across the pool, dancing around puddles of water, a butterfly was playing it’s butterfly games, while flitting from here to there, and all around. It was dancing the beautiful dance of butterflies, and only butterflies know the steps, and the rhythm. I remember asking God if I were pregnant, or if I would ever get pregnant. Secretly I hoped that this butterfly would come land on me, as some sort of confirmation of my fertility. I watched it float around for a while, getting ever closer to my friend and I.
Gradually, it was flying around directly over us, and I honestly think my palms were sweaty, I was so stupidly nervous, and hanging my hope of having a baby, on this butterfly landing on me.
She took her sweet time, this pretty little butterfly, but eventually she landed. Just not on me.
She landed on Nicole’s belly, and a sharp pang of jealousy hit me hard and fast, until I realized at once how silly I was being.
I mean, a butterfly wasn’t going to determine if I was fertile. A butterfly wasn’t an indicator of being pregnant, or that I would become so. I mentally scolded myself for being jealous of my friend. I mean, she wasn’t in a relationship with someone that she was trying to have a baby with, she used birth control, she didn’t want anymore children. My thoughts were completely irrational, and totally uncalled for. We went on about our day, enjoying ourselves, and I didn’t give the butterfly any more thought.
That is, until that night when I went to bed. I tossed and I turned. I couldn’t sleep. Something was tugging at the back of my mind, and I was extremely restless. I decided to speak to God. I have often found that when I am unable to sleep that God has something to tell me. I thought about my day. I thought about the butterfly. Suddenly, I was sure. My friend was pregnant. I just knew it, even if she didn’t. I wasn’t jealous now, I was just a little bit worried.
Nicole, who went so many years childless, went on to eventually have three precious boys. They were all school age now, rambunctious, and a handful for my friend, who was now a single mother. She was an amazing mother, but she worked very hard to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table, doing it all alone. I wasn’t sure how she would handle the news of a new baby. All I did know was that God had let me know, early, for some reason, and that I would always be there to support my friend, especially if she needed someone to talk to. I prayed for her and fell asleep.
Two weeks later, I got the text.
OMG NAY, it read.
I already knew what was coming, and I was right.
My friend was pregnant. She had just found out, and she was stressed. Worried. Upset. Through all of her emotions, I was strangely happy for her. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would be fine. This baby was absolutely meant to be here. After all, God sent a butterfly to tell me.
Nicole is amazing. I told you earlier she has a personality like sunshine. Soon she found out she was having a girl, shortly after finding out that she would be raising this fourth child all by herself. Dad didn’t want to help. It was, and still is, his loss. If you ask me, he didn’t deserve this precious gift, this daughter of sunshine. He didn’t deserve my friend, either.
Her pregnancy flew by, and my friend gave birth to her beautiful little girl on the very first day of spring. Can you think of a more fitting birthday for the daughter of sunshine? I can’t. The first day of spring is a perfect birthday for this little angel, who is nicknamed Gigi. I like to affectionately refer to her as my “little butterfly baby”. She is full of life, has three doting older brothers, and takes after her momma in the personality department. Nicole, my friend, who believes in God, who hasn’t always had an easy go of life, has overcome so much, and her children are true blessings from God, and those children are blessed to have been given my friend Nicole as a mother.
The little butterfly baby is now a precocious toddler, and the world would be an empty place without little Gigi. I’m glad she’s here. I’m glad that I was privileged with a message from a butterfly, because it led me to a personal prayer for myself.
When Gigi was conceived, I had yet to get pregnant, and still haven’t. Just a few moments ago, Nicole texted me to keep trying. I love her so much. I will keep trying, because I know it’s meant to be. Another butterfly told me so…
Last year, after many tests, no answers, no baby, I was home alone, doing some soul searching. I was wondering if I should give up on having a baby. I wondered if it was God’s will for me. I went outside to pray about it, which I do a lot. There is something about being outside, surrounded by God’s beautiful creations, that makes me feel closer to my Lord.
I asked God to let me know His will. If having a baby wasn’t his will, I would not continue to focus on that path for my life. This was hard for me, giving up control over something I wanted so desperately, this was extremely difficult, but after all, it wasn’t in my control. It was God’s choice, God’s plan, and God was in control.
I told God I was going to keep trying, as long as it was his will. I leaned back, after praying, relaxing in the sunshine, eyes closed, I listened for God’s answer. Opening my eyes, looking up, I saw not one, but two butterflies dancing above me, lazily looping around and around. I held my breath, and they landed on me. I was smiling, still holding my breath, lest I startle them, until they flew away together, and I let out my breath in a powerful exhale.
Did this mean what I thought? That I shouldn’t give up on this dream for a child for my husband and I? I asked God. I felt He was telling me, in His way, in His time, I would be holding the baby I was praying for. I felt sure of it.
I stood up, still smiling, when something sparkling caught my eye out in my yard. Curious, I walked over to it, and to my surprise, I found a pretty, pink and blue plastic butterfly toy, that glittered in the sun. It was half hidden in the grass, and I wondered where it had come from. Just yesterday, my husband had mowed, and the mower would have shredded this delicate plastic toy. Not to mention, I had walked this way through my yard, many, many times, and I had never seen it before. I clasped it in my hand, held it to my chest, looked up and thanked my God. I believe He answered my question, and left me a symbol to remind me to not give up, even when I am having bad, doubtful days.
I keep this gift in a little prayer box, along with a handwritten prayer to conceive. One day, I will be able to tell you that my prayer has been answered.
I believe. I believe in answered prayers. I believe the butterflies. Most of all, I believe my God.
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I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
And this is God’s plan: Both Gentiles and Jews who believe the Good News share equally in the riches inherited by God’s children. Both are part of the same body, and both enjoy the promise of blessings because they belong to Christ Jesus.
Children are a gift from the Lord ; they are a reward from him.