YOU COULD HAVE

She’s not going to pretend as she sits there typing, deleting, and retyping her text to you, angrily pecking away at the keyboard, that the bitterness inside her doesn’t want to just well up and explode all over you. That she doesn’t want to cover you with all the pain and anger that you tossed all over her for years, that she doesn’t want to douse you with it and light a match and walk away from you while you burn. Walk away like you walked away from her everytime she walked through the fire that you started. She walked through it for you. YOU COULD HAVE walked through the fire with her. But you didn’t. You chose to watch her burn.

She’s no longer going to lie and tell you that everything is okay. That what you did was okay. That she was okay. That you didn’t scare her. She doesn’t want to keep lying to you just to make you feel better, because no matter what you did, what you said, and how you drew blood, she bit her lip and kept her mouth shut, and she started to hate you for that. No matter how you made her feel guilty for the pain you inflicted on yourself for hurting her, she still tried to help you. She can no longer lie and tell you everything is going to be okay, she can’t live that lie anymore. Not even for you. She can’t spend the next 50 years hiding behind a soft heart. She’s tired of covering your wounds while you rip her wide open. YOU COULD HAVE at least tried to heal with her. She’s really tired of being really tired.

She’s not going to keep up the charade that she played for you, because she can’t even remember when her easy smiles became forced, and she wonders how you never noticed. She’s going to always remember now how she almost forgot to always look on the bright side, because sometimes living with you was like living in the dark. Her sunny days became night, because everything that gave her joy gave you a reason to hate her for something else. YOU COULD HAVE been happy for her happy days. You chose instead to ruin them. She was such a fool for letting you.

So she sits there, typing in a dark room, the light of the phone screen glowing in her window, and she catches a glimpse of her reflection, she sees that old familiar enemy in those angry eyes, and she looks so damn haunted she has to look away. She recognizes the anger that has been her faithful companion, the anger that has been by her side longer than you have, and honey, she’s so angry that she’s still so angry, but she’s also more than ready to let it all go. She’s angry that when you talked to her a few days ago, you told her you would try, then she told you how you made her cry, you told her to fix the things that made you lie, which were the very things that made her say goodbye...

She doesn’t want to be that angry anymore. YOU COULD HAVE said sorry. Just once, those five little letters, those two syllables. The letters that spell way more than sorry, they spell accountability. That would have meant the world to her, if only YOU COULD HAVE, and if only you would have meant it. She would be a liar if she didn’t tell you that she’s glad you didn’t apologize for anything, she’s glad you turned it around on her like you always do. She wouldn’t have wanted to make you have to lie again.

It’s late and she’s drinking another cup of stale coffee, when all she wants is a cigarette and a cold bottle of beer. She wants them so bad she can almost smell and taste both. She’d be a liar (like you) if she told you that she didn’t feel weak, sitting here wanting things that hurt her much like she once wanted you. She’d be a liar if she claimed to be strong enough to have quit anything on her own, including you. But she sits here and has a somewhat bittersweet Romans 8:28 moment, knowing that you hating her drinking, and you hating her smoking and that your incessant venom just because those things took time away from you, led her to quit the two things she needed to leave far behind to move forward. YOU COULD HAVE been proud of her for something, for anything. You chose not to be.

She thinks about how she would spend hours working, to come home to take care of you, for you to just be so unhappy with how she tried to do it all. How could she be gone so long all the time? Why do you do it that way? Your constant questioning and criticism wearing her down. She also thinks about times she would be so excited to tell you about an accomplishment, and you would somehow find something wrong with it. Until one day, she just stopped telling you. YOU COULD HAVE tried. YOU COULD HAVE been her number one fan. You really should have, because she deserved that. But you chose not to.

And so maybe she writes, or she paints, or she sings, or she dances, just to get these feelings off her chest, just to find the release she so desperately needs, and her anger dissipates, and she realizes she’s just dissapointed that it took her so long to realize that she didn’t need you to do any of those things for her. She wanted you to, and YOU COULD HAVE, but she didn’t need you to. As her body sobered, her mind cleared, through the haze of yesterday’s smoke and booze, or whatever demon she had conquered, she finally really saw the One who did walk through the fire for her, who helped her heal, who was happy for her, who was sorry that she was hurting, who was proud of her, who relentlessly pursued her, who was her number one fan, the One who loved her like she was, and loves her like she wants to be, who loves you too, who she tried to share with you. YOU COULD HAVE, BUT JESUS DID. And now that is finally more than enough for her.

You probably don’t even remember the last time she let you rip her heart out, but she does. YOU COULD HAVE noticed, but that’s alright. She’s fully satisfied knowing you don’t have that power any longer.

You want her back? There were good times. The way you used to look at her was almost enough for a while, until you stopped looking. She may have stopped looking too. You let your pain get in the way of the one girl who wanted to take it away from you, the girl who foolishly thought she could. She didn’t know at the time that only Jesus could do that, and boy, do you need you some Jesus. Its time for you to let go of a lifetime of regret and pain and anger, so maybe you can finally hold on to the gifts God wants to give you. You’ll never be happy or allow anybody else to be happy until you do. This relationship may or may not be too far gone, but you definitely have another chance to be happy. YOU COULD HAVE a second chance. YOU COULD HAVE another great love story, if you would just heal.

The question is, are you going to take that second chance? Or let it all slip away without a fight? Because honestly, she can’t keep fighting your battles for you, she can’t keep your demons at bay. And honestly? You should never have asked her too. That’s what Jesus is for.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Love and God Bless,

Nay Towell

If this story is about you, or makes you feel some type of way, remember always that you can’t love anyone else until you learn to love yourself, and self-love begins with Jesus. If this inspires you, or you just like what you read, please like and share! You can follow me @humblegirl1111 on Instagram, or my Humblegirl page on Facebook, or you can subscribe to my blog by email. Thanks to all who support me and this journey to help others find hope!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant
1 Corinthians 13:4

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, those he redeemed from trouble
Psalms 107:2

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25


4 thoughts on “YOU COULD HAVE

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