Smoke and mirrors. Illusion, lies, fantasies and self-deception. I can not be the only one who wonders on a daily basis if what I see is REAL, if what I read is REAL, if what I hear is REAL. We live in fabricated times, and daily we are bombarded with counterfeit people. Carbon copies of the same tired design, replicas of the same boring lie. And the lie is that we have to lie to be happy.

Where are the REAL ones at?

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be honest with the little things. Be true. Be trustworthy. BE REAL. These words keep circling in my mind, making their rounds, pulling at my thoughts. In fact, these words seemed to wake me up in the middle of the night, a little God tug on my heart to get up and get the word out. And the word is truth. I crave REAL like there’s no tomorrow.

So up I got and here I sit. In a quiet house in the middle of the night, listening to the furnace whispering softly in the background as it warms me, basking in the quiet glow of my laptop screen while I type. A page just filling up with some of what I was made to do. At this hour, in this quiet truth, I am able to focus on what is REAL. I am able to listen. So thank you for joining me on my quest for authenticity.

So what is REAL? REAL is getting harder to find. We live in a lying world. In a world saturated by fake images, deceitful leaders, untrustworthy news. In a world that wants to groom us to be as false as everything around us, to portray an image of perfection for everyone else to strive to compete with. A world that tells us we have to act a certain way, look a certain way, and be a certain way or we won’t be happy. A world falling apart in its own unhappiness, but taking a filtered smiling selfie as it goes down in flames.

I see so many things that I never used to see. And daily I ask God to show me more. I see women all striving to look exactly like each other, altering their looks with fillers and makeup until they almost look like a carbon copy of one another, but all desperately wanting to stand out, and I see men who pretend to be men but who have mostly forgotten what it means to be men, and that strength has nothing to do with the gym selfie they just posted. I see people who say one thing and do another as if that is the new norm. No follow through. No trustworthiness. Is it a wonder we are riddled with anxiety when we don’t know what to believe? I see a world that lies to us and tells us we have steps we need to follow in a particular order to be successful and happy, a society of conformity that says we must get good grades, think like everyone else, go to college, get a good job, get married, have babies, and drown ourselves with debt so we can look like we have just as much if not more than our neighbors do. And we are absolutely miserable in our lies as we post smiles while we do it. We live in a world that stomps on different, and beats down unique. A world that tries to groom the extraordinary out of us, and tries to make us partake in the horrible lie that is sameness. Gross.

We are not all the same. We are not meant to be. We are not all equal. Gasp… Yes, I said it. That might just rustle some feathers, but it’s true. We weren’t created to be equally the same in every single way. We are supposed to look different, act different and be different. After all, everyone of us is a masterpiece. The cool thing about a masterpiece is that not only is it spectacular, it is original. Nobody wants a reprint if they can have the real deal. So why are we settling for cheap copies of everything? Some of us came to serve, and some of us came to be served. In a world striving to compete with the ability to be the best at all the same boring things, we are overlooking the ability to be distinct with our gifts, to serve with our gifts, to create life and love with our gifts. We should be complimenting and coexisting in our own originality, a world of beautiful differences serving one another. We should be ravishing in and relishing in all of our uniqueness.

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭139‬:‭14‬ ‭

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace:”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4‬:‭10‬ ‭

So why are we letting the world rub away at all that makes us special? Our individualism? Why do we believe the lie of sameness? Why are we lying to ourselves and everyone around us? With our words? With our actions?

Is it because we don’t like what we see? Or because we have bought into the ultimate lie that the grass is greener over on our social neighbors profile?

The truth I’m trying to write is basic. If you are unhappy maybe you need to be doing things a little differently than you are now. Maybe the lie of sameness is wearing you down. Maybe you need to make a difference in your life by being as different as God made you to be. To not be afraid of what all the look alikes and act alikes think or say. You were born to be set apart from the world. To be light for others in the darkness. You can’t do that by being one with the darkness, but by being different. Be unexpected, be extraordinary, be weirdly, uniquely, amazingly you. Just be REAL.

Do not be afraid to talk the talk and walk the walk, to say what you mean and to be vulnerable in your weaknesses, no matter how weird you seem. I read this really cool book about a man who changed the world by being completely different than everyone else, and the followers he picked were all outcasts. This book has lasted for thousands of years, and it is the truest truth we have. This book changed my entire life. This book tells you to be different than the world. It’s about a man who pursued me and saved me, and I can never get enough of Him. Jesus Christ is different and REAL. And He died so we can be too.

So be REAL. After all, God looks at the heart, and we should too. God makes the weak strong, the last first, and gives wisdom to those who ask of him. Be wise enough to be set apart, to change your life and maybe the world, all by being REAL.

God bless and much REAL love,

~ Ray R.

If you like what I do feel free to share. You can also follow my Facebook pages at Humblegirl, or Raygirl. Thanks for supporting my journey. One day I hope to get to do this more and more.

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭27‬-‭29‬ ‭

I wasn’t going to write this, until I decided that I was. I felt that familiar tug on my heart that grew and became persistently more insistent, whispering in my head and in my dreams, until here I am, chugging coffee in my cookie monster jammies, hair all willy nilly, writing down my thoughts on love in my own little Love Letter of sorts.

Don’t you dare laugh. I agree that it may be comical. I am after all writing all about love, and for some of you that may seem somewhat ironic. But hear me out.

Those of you that know me, know that my history in the love department will never be a bestselling novel, (at least not yet) or romanticized in any way. Though Lord knows I tried. I tried to twist my broken story all around to find beauty in it, but all that did was make me sad. My heart was stomped upon on more than one occasion, and it took some real work to heal it. In fact, healing has been a process that I am still in, a work of changing thought patterns and learning to be loved. Before now, if you had to describe my love life in one word, that word would possibly be unreal. And definitely not unreal in a good way. Unreal as in totally not true.

But yet, I have found love beyond my wildest dreams. A love that awakens me, inspires me and definitely wants the best for me. I am still adjusting to this love, and sometimes I even second guess my worthiness, but my love reminds me daily how phenomenal he thinks I am. How important. How beautiful and smart and funny I am. He looks at me as if I am truly a masterpiece, and makes me feel as if I am. We all should cherish a love like this, and I absolutely believe that this love is meant for everyone. Even me, the one who had to learn to accept it. The key is in the hands of the one who knows where to look, and I had to go on quite a journey to find this key, only to discover that it had been right in front of my face my entire life. I had to learn the hard way, and I am happy now that I did. Victory is sweeter when you win a hard fought battle, and love is cherished more when you have won a war to get there.

This past week, I have heard on two separate occasions, two separate love stories, from two separate widows. As I listened intently, eager to embark on an adventure in my mind of hopeful, never ending love with these two beautiful ladies, I couldn’t help but wonder why they both decided to share their stories with me. If you know me, you know that I don’t believe in coincidences. To me there is no such thing. Moments happen for a reason, and if you don’t pay attention, you might miss their significance.

So I paid attention, and I would be a big fibber if I said that I wasn’t moved to tears. I cried as I heard stories of struggles and pain, but mostly of bravery and commitment. Love that defeated the enemy, that was built on trust and hope, that surpassed anything that I had ever experienced. My co-workers teased me a little as someone handed me a tissue, and I smiled through my smeared mascara, because my heart was on fire with tales of true love.

You see, I’m the girl who loves to love, but who never loved herself enough to really allow herself to be loved. Chances are you know someone like me. Chances are you are someone like me. These ladies had stories of love that I could only imagine, that I had read about, or watched on the big screen, but that up until recently had never thought were real. Not for me. My love life was unreal.

Then one of them spoke of love letters, and something in my heart just clicked. I felt a pull, a tug of love, a message that revolved around letters of love. Words of commitment, devotion and hope. There was a message here and my heart longed to hear it. So I listened. I have been listening especially hard all this month, to something meant for me, that is also meant for you. A message of love, of words. A beautiful Love Letter.

So if you are older like me, you may remember the magic of written words, perhaps in a folded note exchanged between classes back in the day, or even in a letter that you received in the mail. The opening, the unfolding, the eager anticipation of reading words from somebody important to you, that expectant joy, and the smiles that reading those words from another human could bring. Sometimes even words that made you daydream all day, made you smile a little bigger, and if you are a goof like me, words that maybe made you want to jump up and down in excitement. Even now, there is power in a simple text, in a message of good morning or good night, in words typed out, meant just for you.

Do you know that feeling you get when you get a notification from somebody that makes your heart beat a little faster? Maybe like me, you get a silly grin on your face? You get a rush of happiness? That feeling that is hard to put into words but yet is created just from reading words? Maybe its a rush of endorphins. Maybe its feelings of love. Maybe its just plain old happiness, though happiness is never plain. Have you ever noticed how happiness makes somebody more attractive? If you haven’t then maybe you should start noticing, because chances are you may need a little more happiness of your own, but that is a story for another day..

Back to the point, I am sure everyone reading this knows the power that words have over our hearts when they are spoken by somebody we like or love, or better yet somebody who likes and loves us back. Especially words of love. Close your eyes and imagine a time when you read something from somebody that made your heart skip a beat in a good way, that made you walk around smiling all day. Can you remember that feeling? There is such power in words of love. There is power in a Love Letter.

Do you know the greatest Love Letter of all time? The written words that have survived ages and have the power to tear down walls and defeat the ultimate enemy of love? Words written for all, but especially for YOU? Stories of hope and lessons and love and pursuit? Wars won by people like you and me? People who were considered ordinary but did extraordinary things powered by a love that is beyond imagining. I have experienced pain, and rejection, hurt and disappointment, and I bet you have too, but do you really understand that in this Love Letter I speak of there is a story of a man who dies for love? Who was beaten, mocked, and broken, all because of love? It is the greatest love story of all time and the most beautiful Love Letter ever written, words that give hope when we are hopeless because there is more to this life than the broken promises or heartaches of this world. I have read this Love Letter on more than one occasion, and every time I do I find words of power and words meant only for me. My heart is opening, and as it does the greatest love of all time has written his words upon my heart and my life. I get excited when he speaks to me, his messages make me jump for joy and I want to tell everybody I know about this love, and share it too, which is exactly how love is supposed to make you feel.

So this is my Love Letter to you. I want you to know that no matter what you have been told, or what you may believe, you are loved beyond measure and there is a Love Letter waiting for you. Pick up a Bible, open it up and open your heart. Find your love story in there, because it is your very own Love Letter.

I may never have a man in my life that cherishes me, or treasures me, protects me, builds me up and encourages me, and that’s absolutely okay. One day I might, especially now that I know what I am looking for. If I do he will be modeled after the greatest love of my life. But even if I never do, I am content and beyond happy with my God who does all of those things and more. He wraps me in love from the moment I open my eyes until the moment they close, and guards me while I sleep. He never hits me, never hurts me, never criticizes me. He never discourages me and never makes me cry. He lifts me up, opens doors for me, and shows me beautiful things. His gifts are more valuable than diamonds and he steals my heart on the daily, with a love message here or a beautiful sight there. My whole world revolves around him, and my only regret is that I wish it always had. Yet, though it took me forever to get here, he pursued me relentlessly, wooing me and catching my attention, picking me up from the brokenness of a life lived without him, rescuing me from a life filled with people who wanted to break me. For so long I thought I was alone, but now I know I was being protected all along.

I was loved. I am loved. I will always be loved.

And you know what?

So were you, so you are, and so you will be. Go ahead and go read your Love Letter today and see.

Love and peace,

Ray ~ Humblegirl

If you like what I do feel free to share. You can also follow my Facebook pages at Humblegirl, or Raygirl. Thanks for supporting my journey. One day I hope to get to do this more and more.

For God loved the world in this way: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.
‭‭John‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ ‭

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭

We love because he first loved us.
‭‭1 John‬ ‭4‬:‭19‬ ‭

My lips will glorify you because your faithful love is better than life.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭63‬:‭3‬ ‭

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭

I sit here at 3 am, when most of this side of the world slumbers, thinking about God. Thinking about childhood. Thinking about imagination. And dust.

Yes, dust.

Hear me out. It may seem strange. Maybe I am strange. But dust? Not so much. It’s common. Overlooked. Unimportant. Never beautiful.

But beautiful it is to me.

The other morning, maybe yesterday, maybe even the day before, when I actually slept through an entire night, (a complete rarity for me) I woke slowly and opened my eyes to sunlight streaming in through my blinds. And it was beautiful. Breathtaking. In the beams of light that permeated my room, dust was dancing. Swirling and twirling, all lackadaisical like, a silent choreography of unpredictable rhythm. Highlighted in the morning glow, there were specks of dust, of glimmering gold, floating carelessly yet gracefully in a grand display of minuscule proportion.

And it was beautiful. Am I crazy? To think of dust as beautiful, perhaps I am. But I really think not. I did have a fleeting thought of an air purifier, but that was just the grown up in me. I quickly tucked her away and let the child in me come out to play. I really like that little girl. She’s smart. She’s sassy. And she sleepily watched the golden splendor of sparkles tumbling through beams of light. She, who is me, let the sight take hold of my heart, reminding me of childhood and how I once thought such things were magic, before I even knew what dust was. Before knowledge and research at the touch of a fingertip to a screen tried to ruin me. I will not be ruined. The kid in me insists upon that with a stubborn stomping of the foot, arms folded across her chest in defiance. That little girl is still holding down the fort of my heart, and I pray that she always does.

Well, in case you did not know, it turns out that dust can be made of many things, some not so pleasant (not as much skin as you think) and some wonderful things, like rocks (my favorite) and sea salt. Did you know that dust helps to make raindrops? There is often dust at the center of every single amazing rain drop. Seems crazy, right? I mean dust is dry and rain is wet. How does that even work? Well, because God. Seriously, He blows my mind with the simplicity of complicated things. Go ahead. Look up the magic of rain drops and dust, if you like. I’ll wait here for a bit.

Did you look?? This world is a vision of exquisiteness, an orchestra of sights and sounds and colors that we absorb as children and then somehow become forgetful of. Why is that?

I don’t want to forget the wonder of childhood. I don’t want my brain to forget how to look at things, and how to see the good stuff. So I try to see all of the things, and pray that I don’t miss out on any dancing dust, or pretty rocks, or sparkly rain drops. To me, that’s the good stuff. Not the cosmetics I’m told I need to be beautiful, nor the big house that looks like every other house that I’m told I should want to live in. No. Those are grown up things, not so important as you think, things. To me, quite boring things.

~ Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭18‬:‭17‬ ~

Take me back, Lord. Take me back to the magic of childhood, to the joy of little things, to the gift of wonder. Show me Your beauty in everything from the dancing of dust in a beam of morning light, to the thunder of a storm bellowing proudly on a sleepy afternoon, to the moonlight painting a twilight masterpiece upon a midnight canvas.

Open my heart to your gifts, Lord. Show me that nothing is quite as simple as it seems, remind me that there are lessons everywhere, and open my eyes to the beauty all around me. Please do not let me take a single minute for granted, because we are here so briefly. Help me to make my moments count. For Your glory, for now, for forever. Amen

As I walk along this road called life, and more and more years fall behind me, and more and more friends and family are lost to time, I think on the brevity of our journey here. As so many people I know return to the dust, and some of them to our Maker, I hope that they took the time to notice the good things God was showing them while they were here. I hope people noticed them noticing, and I hope more people take notice because of the noticers. Noticers are a special kind, some are naturals, but ALL can learn.

We are here for a flash, as quick as lightning, and as simple as dust. Yet lightning can start fires and dust can settle into fertile soil. We can start fires in hearts and we can be part of growing beautiful things. All of us. There is nothing created by God that is insignificant. Not you, not me, not even dust on a breeze, which is so much of what we are.

Open your eyes, make your mark, do all of the things. Stop focusing on what the world sees and focus on what your heart sees. And if your heart is missing something, maybe your focus is off. Close your eyes, say a prayer, and look again. There is something special for you to see today. Something just for you. Don’t miss it. Don’t miss out.

~ For he knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭14‬ ‭~

Now I shall go back to sleep, to maybe dream of oceans. I really hope I do. Oceans are a part of raindrops which are made of a little dust, which is made up of a little bit of everything, including you and me. How cool is that?

Please pay attention to the good stuff today. Take notice now. Be a noticer. Because dust to dust is really not a very long time at all.

If you like what I do feel free to share. You can also follow my Facebook pages at Humblegirl, or Raygirl. Thanks for supporting my journey. One day I hope to get to do this more and more.

Love and peace,

Ray ~ Humblegirl

~ Then the Lord God formed the man out of the dust from the ground and breathed the breath of life into his nostrils, and the man became a living being.
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭7‬ ‭~

~ Your dead will live; their bodies will rise. Awake and sing, you who dwell in the dust! For you will be covered with the morning dew, and the earth will bring out the departed spirits. ~
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭26‬:‭19‬ ‭

~ Many who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake, some to eternal life, and some to disgrace and eternal contempt.
‭‭Daniel‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬ ‭ ~

~ The first man was from the earth, a man of dust; the second man is from heaven.
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭15‬:‭47‬ ~‭

~ For he knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust.
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭14‬ ~‭

~All are going to the same place; all come from dust, and all return to dust.
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3‬:‭20‬ ‭~

This really isn’t for you. The one who thinks he ever owned me, or about those certain ones who might like to try. This isn’t for the haters, the naysayers, the cynics or the doubters. No matter how you may try to revolve my world around you, you can’t. I won’t let you. You have no business here, no rights, and you never should have.

This is for the one to whom I truly belong.

To The One I Belong To, I would like to give my everything. Though honestly, I would be the first to admit that what I have isn’t very much at all. But to you I want to give all of me, every single part. The light and the dark, the very lovely, and even the very ugly. I want to hide nothing from you, because honestly you know me so well I never could, even if I tried. So I will try to give you everything that I am, because without you what I am just feels empty. I give all these words to you, and all that will come, because they are the best of what I have, my secrets, my hopes, and my heart. All of it belongs to you.

I peel my jacket off on this unseasonably warm November Sunday, thinking of you, feeling lighthearted despite my troublesome morning. I have driven to a little town in the middle of nowhere, and I hop down out of my old SUV, tilt my head towards the sun and smile. I close my eyes for a moment and savor my perfect freedom. The beginning of my day had been particularly hard on me, dealing with a blast of anger from an angry man who belongs in my past.

The names I had been called come to the surface of my river of thoughts, and at once I let them go. If I have learned anything about how my mind works, I have learned not to dwell on the negative opinions of others. So here I am, imagining the negativity and drama floating on by, drifting away from me. His words have no power over me anymore. Yet I still pray for him, even when it’s hard. I will always long for the day when this world is finally made right, and anger and hate no longer exist. Until then, I will keep my chin up and my heart light, focusing more on what is good and focusing on my little bitty part in an amazing story that is so much bigger than me. There really is so much good to talk about here. I want to share my happy with everyone, but especially with The One I Belong To. So here I go, one little word at a time.

Autumn leaves rustle softly in a breeze that gently tickles through my hair, bringing with it the crisp fresh scent of Fall. I cherish everything about right now, but mostly about my liberties at this very moment, the freedom from trying to explain my wherabouts to jealous men, or from defending my joy to those who hated everything about my happiness. Freedom is to be treasured beyond measure, and I cherish mine in so many ways. I owe this freedom to The One I Belong To, the one who saved me, who loved me, who pursued me, who altered the way I feel about EVERYTHING. The one who changed me, but at the same time loved me exactly the way that I am. That alone blows my mind. I never knew I could be loved like this. He makes me feel beautiful, and as I walk along with my mostly happy thoughts on a secluded and pretty trail, I feel strong. A love like this love is humbling in its magnificence. I am no longer alone. He is the one to whom I belong.

I wander around for a bit. My green eyes seem to look everywhere all at once, trying to take it all in, and I am soaking in the cozy amber magic of this almost perfect day. The temperature is unseasonably warm, and I know it won’t be long until I am mostly stuck indoors, peering through a window at a world of pristine and frozen white. So for now I’ll pretend as if these days shall never end, as if the sun shall shine forever, as if Winter may very well forget to be Winter. My moody little Missouri definitely has her temper tantrums, her fluctuations between blazing days in the summer and her frigid nights in the winter, but she sure makes up for her craziness on golden days such as these. She is beautiful, even in her extremes. And though she isn’t my home state, she’s the only home I’ve ever really known as an adult. I’ll claim her for now, until maybe words of change are whispered in my ear, a longing desire to move somewhere new, as if that might be my destiny. We shall see. I know that wherever I do go, I will go with The One I Belong To.

Soon I find a perfect spot. The spot where I can settle, if only for a moment, and write the words that I’ve been thinking. I want to be still for a bit and try to make sense of all the nonsense that I have had to filter through, not only for today, but for my entire life. There is a lot to sort through. I do it one day at a time, and in the process I am learning a lot about me. It’s a messy beautiful thing to acknowledge your flaws and learn to forgive yourself and others too. There are lies. Drama. Pain, sickness, poverty. Drug and alcohol abuse, addiction and despair, and in all that chaos there is friendship and joy, and the love of the one who never gave up on me, The One I Belong To. I hold a fading reflection of a past I’m leaving far behind, and an old bag of memories that I can open and sort through whenever I am led to try help others similar to me. There are tough paths that I have left, and new ones leading down a road to a future I can not even contemplate, but one that I have an excited and confident hope in. My future with The One I Belong To.

The constant swirling of hopelessness and despair amidst hope and joy is nothing less than difficult, and without true love I would be unable to handle the really hard days, and despite the world trying to make me hard, I am soft and unashamed. The One I Belong To loves me this way. Soft, hopeful, happy, trusting. And smiling. He really likes my crooked smile.

I have never been the best at speaking vulnerable thoughts aloud, so I write them down, here in a quiet spot away from all the demands of a racing and pacing world. I give my only gift, my words, To The One I Belong To.

I have felt alone all of my life, all of us have our sad stories. Some of us have our rock bottoms, and some even give up and check out. That is heartbreaking, pointless. We weren’t made to be sad. We weren’t created to be alone.

I’ve been deeply hurt, and still, of all the ones who hurt me no one really hurt me more than I did. I was my own worst enemy. I was the one who cared the very least about me, the broken one who allowed myself to be treated in a certain type of way. And even still, The One I Belong To loved me through it all, like no other ever could.

I hurt myself. I lied to myself. I drank myself until the blackness came, and the darkness consumed me. I pushed myself, critiqued myself, judged myself, and at times loathed myself. How could I expect to be treated any other way when I treated myself in such a way?

And still…

I held out, held my breath, waited.

Somehow through all the ugly, the lost and hopeless nights, and the mornings I woke up not knowing where I was, I wanted to find The One I Belong To. I desperately wanted to find the one who truly loved me. The one who did not judge me, who would stand up for me, who would protect me, cherish me and even give up his life for me. The one who didn’t care what others thought, because he thought I was worth it. The one who loved the way I laughed and the way I cried, who loved my moody heart, and who loved me enough to push me to be stronger every single day. Was he out there? To love me even in my brokenness? I longed for a love that would fill all my empty spots, mend all my hurting places, and begin to repair all my damaging thoughts. I needed him more than I ever knew, until I finally really knew.

I needed a love that loved me not for the way I looked, or how hard I worked, not even for how much I could give him. I wanted a love that wasn’t dependent on how much of myself I would choose to give up. That loved me not for sex, or darkness, or not to empty me until there was nothing but sad in my eyes, and not someone who attempted to change everything that I was. I wanted The One I Belong To, so that for once I could love back, and love not with guarded pieces of me, but with my whole mended heart.

But over the years as I was hurt repeatedly, and as I retaliated foolishly, as I was getting lost in an illusion of love, I eventually realized I was losing myself and all of my hope of love. To me, love became a fairy tale that didn’t exist. I was too broken, and too much for anyone to love. I grew accustomed to the lies. To the degrading comments of broken men. To the horrible theft of my peace by the ones who were intimidated by my moments of happiness. I tried hard to dim myself for them, for those who did not deserve me. I drank too much, I made a fool of myself, I cried and I yelled and sometimes I even begged. All for those who would never really love me for me. All for those who wouldn’t even try to. For the ones who lied to me, spit on me, hurt me, hit me, and who tried to destroy the light inside of me. What a horrible waste of precious time. I was hurt, frustrated. I was all out of love.

Or so I thought.

Then there he was, The One I Belong To. The one who gave me the strength to heal a broken heart and walk away from lies. The one who was there all along, the one I loved with my whole heart. The one who is now teaching me every single day to finally love myself. And I do! Because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a miracle, a masterpiece, a unique and imperfectly perfect creation of art and poetry. His love has taught me so. What a teacher he is, The One I Belong To.

I love him to the moon and back, to the stars and beyond, I will shout it from the rooftops and share my joy with everyone that I meet. There is no shame in my game, because after all that was said and done, he never turned his back on me like others have, and he was never ashamed of me. I’ve always known him, but I didn’t understand him and the love I could never earn but that surrounds me every single day. Now I am beginning to grasp the depth of this love. When I wake, and when I sleep, and every moment of my day, his love is there, unfailing, and it makes me want to spend my whole life trying to explain to others just like me what it feels like to be this loved. To feel this joy. This hope. This perfect peace.

Maybe you are like I once was. Swirling in addiction. Unsure of your worth, broken and used, abused and even mentally unwell. Maybe you think that could never change, maybe you have lost all hope. Maybe you have been lied to and mistreated, maybe you are even giving up.

Don’t. Just don’t. Hear me out.

If somebody told me 10 years ago when I was regularly drinking myself blackout drunk, that one day I would be a sober, non-smoking woman who was loved beyond measure, and that I would be working at a large church with my own office that has a mural of a unicorn dancing upon the wall, that I would have a stable life, with people who cared about me? I would have just laughed and laughed at you. I would have told you that none of that was possible. I would have thought you were drunk, or high, or just plain crazy. Because it is absolutely crazy! How different my life is because of The One I Belong To. This is really just the beginning of his plans for me, I know it, I feel it, I live it. Here I am. And here you are too.

I am coming up on my eight year soberversary. Sobriety has been a beautiful battle, and I would be a liar if I said it was always easy. I have an enemy that likes to try to throw me for a loop, who tries to entice me into falling away, in so many ways. Two years ago I almost stumbled, after I found my husband’s secret cell phone while we were decorating our Christmas tree. It was not the first time his lies had surfaced and stabbed my heart, but it would prove to be the last. It really was the last painful straw that I refused to let break me. I cannot describe the betrayal I felt, the temptation I went through, as I sought comfort, but I can tell you that I am honestly happier now than I have ever been in my entire life. Happier alone, through a divorce, making less money, and it all seems so backwards, but that is just how my God works. He takes the broken, the unlikely, the pain that we go through, and he turns it into something so magnificent. He makes it work, and he makes it work in our favor. Why would I throw this joy away for a drink? I can’t. I won’t. I’m happy in my upside down world, and I owe it all to The One I Belong To.

Please listen. If you are living a life of brokeness, of sadness, of anger, pain, or addiction, let it all go. You really can walk out of despair and into a beautiful life. You can walk straight into the arms of The One You Belong To. It’s my favorite love story ever. And its a true one.

He came for me, like he’s coming for you.

Love and peace,

Ray ~ Humblegirl

P.S. Please don’t settle. Love God. Love others. Love yourself. Wait for the right one. Just love. The rest will follow.

If you like what I do feel free to share. You can also follow my Facebook pages at Humblegirl, or Raygirl. Thanks for supporting my journey.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalms 139:14

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Song of Songs 7:10

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

So then, let us not be like others who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. 1 Thessalonians 5:6

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalms 130:5

The tables we sit at will involve some of the most important decisions of our lives. So where are you sitting?

Are you sitting at tables that enhance you? Or are you sitting at tables that do nothing for you? Are you at tables conversing with those who may want to help you, or harm you? Are you dining with those who plot evil, or speak life? If you are unsure of yourself, or your placement, it is most likely time to gather your thoughts and figure out your positioning. That custom made place that is dedicated just for you at the very best of tables, really does exist. Your destined spot, your reservation, is awaiting your arrival.

For the longest time I have associated tables with some of the worst times of my life. Sometimes it wasn’t about the people seated at my table, but the dark places those tables were located. At other times I have been seated at the best of tables, only to be with the worst kind of people. It took me a long time to learn to get up and leave certain tables behind. I had to learn that I wasn’t glued to any of the seats that I thought I was assigned to, whether by other people or myself. I learned that I could break the chains of an old bar stool just as easily as I could untie the ropes at a business conference table. I have literally walked away from both, and I am living my best life because I left tables that were not meant for me, and decided to sit down at the ones that were. Trust me when I tell you that you can do it to. I’m nobody special. But I am loved by somebody who is.

““Truly I tell you, a servant is not greater than his master, and a messenger is not greater than the one who sent him.”
‭‭John‬ ‭13:16‬ ‭CSB‬‬

I have sat at bar tables with misfits just like me, smiling through lackadaisical cigarette smoke swirling through the air, listening to an outpouring of music from an old jukebox, that old whiskey-gospel playing in the background. At times I’ve felt more welcome there than at many of the church tables I have EVER gathered at. I have been included, loved on, and even prayed over in dim and questionable places, under the influence, with other sinners just like me. Do you know that as I had tipsy discussions of God, or even whispered half-hearted, inebriated prayers for safety and better days ahead, that Jesus was there at my table too? He was seated right among us, those despicable sinners, loving, and not condemning. Watching and patiently waiting. I sensed Him close to me in my despair and also in my joy. I have felt Him just as much, and if not more, in some of the most disreputable locations verses places that actually describe themselves as being holy.

That might offend some people. Maybe it upsets those who wouldn’t step foot in some of the places or situations I’ve been in. Honestly, I don’t really care. I’m just here to tell you that your position at your tables in no way defines who you are through my eyes, and much more importantly, I know that it doesn’t define who you really are or who you are meant to be, in the eyes of Christ.

The head of a boardroom table lined with CEO’s has nothing on the guy sitting around a table dining at a soup kitchen for the homeless. His head bowed gratefully for a simple meal, a prayer on his lips for a change, and a sliver of hope in his hungry eyes. The fancy suits at that business lunch in an upscale establishment have nothing on that intoxicated girl sitting at a table at your local bar, the one with silent tears that slip randomly down her face, the girl with her hands desperately clutching her drink. Jesus watches over her while she’s literally surrounded by predators as she’s trying to drink her pain away, silently begging for strength.

Your status and your spot in this world mean absolutely NOTHING, unless you use what was given to you to help others. This world may say that you are on top, and that you are first, and you may even think that your acts have placed you where you are, but if you believe those lies you may need more help than those you recklessly deem as inferior.

“Note this: Some who are last will be first, and some who are first will be last.””
‭‭Luke‬ ‭13:30‬ ‭CSB‬‬

When I was younger, as a child, I moved around a lot. I would often attend many different schools in a single year. It was hard for an awkward, shy girl like me. Maybe things would have been a little different with some stability, I’ll never really know, but I do know one of the hardest things I can remember about those times so long ago was lunch time. I dreaded lunch tables, I even had bad dreams about them.

As the new girl in a new school, finding a table to sit at was full of anxiety. Gut twisting nervousness. Walking into that noisy cafeteria, pretending not to notice people falling silent as I walked along, other kids staring as I carried my food by. Scanning a room full of other children in their accustomed spots, my hands shaking, praying I wouldn’t drop my tray or embarrass myself, hoping beyond wild hope that someone would say those magical little words, “Come sit with me.” Sometimes that would actually happen, but at other times I just sat where I could, in the least conspicuous of places, at the emptiest of tables, hoping nobody would notice me or ever call out that I was in the wrong spot, or maybe say that I had taken their seat. Eventually, if my family stayed in town long enough, I would gradually begin to move up in status and confidence, but found myself gravitating more and more to the tables of the misfits. Sitting with the awkward, the lowly, the humble. Sitting with the people who would openly accept all, but were often themselves accepted by few. They were my people. Little did I know that they would teach me more about the love of Jesus than sitting at the tables of this world’s elite could ever show me.

Thank you God for my awkward lunches, the lonely ones, the hungry ones I just skipped so I didn’t have to deal with it. Thank you for teaching me to always include, to always invite, to look for the lonely or the hurting, and the scared. Thank you for the old bar stools, the nights of despair, and tables of so called friends who talked hurtful things about me the minute I left. Thank you for people who looked down on me, who looked past me, who looked right through me, when I was hurting or needed help, because you taught me not to do the same. Thank you for business meetings at fancy tables in board rooms that have taught me that the the one considered the most important person is often in need of more sympathy and mercy than the least. Because of You, I have met the most interesting, beautiful, amazing humans. I have made friends and even family. I have left enemies and bad habits behind. I thank you for all the tables that have made me, me. But most of all God, I am so thankful to you for the table You have personally invited me to. The most important table of all, this table of love, of freedom and of hope and safety. A place to belong with you forever. You have so many seats, and you have taught me how important it is to invite those who don’t know where to sit, to come and sit with me and ultimately you. You have taught me to recognize the heart inside, and the importance of grace and a welcoming heart. Thank you for all of my tables, then, now and tomorrow too. Thank you for all that you do. ~Amen~

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:5‬ ‭CSB‬‬

There have been many types of tables in my life. I have been welcomed at some and not welcomed at others, I have been served and been the one serving. I have been the topic of conversation when I have left and I have turned the tables on people that least expected it. After all of this, the one thing I have learned is that the most important placements, at the most important tables, are often in places you least expect, among the broken, the misfits, and the humble of heart. This is where God’s work is really done, and where He really changes lives forever.

So again, where are you sitting? Is it time for you to move to a better table? You are most welcome at the best table, because there is a spot saved just for you. You have a place at God’s table, and anyone who ever tries to tell you otherwise needs more help than you do, I promise. Pray for them, and take the seat that belongs to you, without doubt and with a joyful heart. Come sit with me, my friend. Come and see how good it is! My table and my heart are always open, because I have the very best of teachers.

“Go and learn what this means: I desire mercy and not sacrifice. For I didn’t come to call the righteous, but sinners.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭9:13‬ ‭CSB‬‬

As always,

God bless,

Ray

(Dedicated with love to Marcia S.)

If you like what you have read, please like and share! You can follow me @ my Humblegirl page on Facebook, or you can subscribe to my blog by email. Thanks to all who support me on this journey to help others find hope!

“I tell you, in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who don’t need repentance.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:7‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“Blessed will be those servants the master finds alert when he comes. Truly I tell you, he will get ready, have them recline at the table, then come and serve them.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭12:37‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“While he was reclining at the table in Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who were following him.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭2:15‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons. You cannot share in the Lord’s table and the table of demons.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭10:21‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:16‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“How happy is the one who does not walk in the advice of the wicked or stand in the pathway with sinners or sit in the company of mockers!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭1:1‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“Better to be lowly of spirit with the humble than to divide plunder with the proud.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16:19‬ ‭CSB‬‬

“The greatest among you will be your servant.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭23:11‬ ‭CSB‬‬

Oh, how I’ve missed this. The pouring forth of the letters. The release of pent up feelings. The distribution of thoughts. The formulation of words that somehow become something from nothing. Words composed to become a coherent collection of ideas that may bring about understanding and enlightenment, especially when used the way they were intended. Words are powerful, I know that full well.

It has been a little while since I have been able to sit still and write words. Truth be told I have had trouble sitting still recently, but still I needed to be, and still you should be too.

Be still at least for a moment, but aim for as many as you can.

Because…

In the rush of the day, in the madness and the chaos, and in the topsy-turvy turmoil that surrounds us all, we need to take some time to be still. To be quiet. To listen and to look for the wonder that is all around us, and the magic in our very own hearts. We desperately need to see the Winks and we seriously need to hear the Whispers.

I have a bad habit of doing. And doing. And doing. I know that I am not the only one. I do out of love. I do out of duty. I do out of obligation. Sometimes I do just to be doing.

But am I really getting anything done? Am I getting anywhere at all? Not always. The more I do the more there is, and more does not necessarily equate better. I’m coming to learn that less is sometimes a whole heck of a lot more. The world will try to tell you otherwise, as it shouts that you need more, screams that you should do more, and yells that you should have more. The world will bombard you with images, showing you that you should spend more, portraying that you should look like more, conveying that you should shop more, buy more, browse more. More. More. More. Faster. Hurry or you might miss out! Yet the harsh reality is that when we live like this we really are missing out. On peace. On tranquility. On meaning and value. On Winks and Whispers of a much better way.

Friend, the world is wrong. Slow down for a minute, and trust me, because this just might be the Wink or the Whisper you need. Take a breath and take a break.

A Wink is a glimpse, or a peek into something profound when you learn to look, and a Whisper is that quiet voice, the hushed instruction that you can only hear if you learn to be still. When you truly listen you will hear, and when you truly look you will see. There is so much more to look at and to listen to when you start looking for less and start listening in the quiet. There is much more when you have less. Less stress, less worry, less anxiety, which leads to more peace, more joy, more faith.

I have to remind myself often, as a doer of many things, to be still. It is then, and only then, that true peace finds me, holds me, directs me and gives me more. When overstimulated I will go into a quiet room and shut the door and shut the world out, or I will step outside in nature and let the real world in. I have had Winks and Whispers both ways, but my nature walks are by far my favorite. There is something about the wonder of creation that puts everything into perspective, and opens our hearts and minds to receive more of what we need and less of what we don’t.

We don’t need more things to fill our time. We need less things to have more meaningful time. We need to look for direction and listen for instruction by being less and doing less so that we can become more. We need to get back to the basics before we forget what the basics are.

I took a long walk yesterday, as I do on most days to unwind. Filling my mind with pretty images of fall colors and my heart with letting go. I prayed for more guidance and insight and was given a Wink and a Whisper. A Whisper to do a little less. To have a little less. So that I may do a little more of the right things. A Wink of a vision to just get away for a little while so that I can arrive at where I really need to be.

We tend, as humans, with all of our flaws and our sometimes distracted and distorted perspectives, to overcomplicate absolutely everything. We can muddle up a very good thing really quickly by doing instead of experiencing, when all we really need to do is untangle, unravel and relax. We do not need more to be more. We do not need to do more to have more. Open your eyes and see, and open your ears and listen. Most of all open your heart to receive.

Receive more with less. Simplify. The world is your oyster, given to you to enjoy, by the One who created it, and created you. He knows that you need less to have more, and He gave ALL so that you could have the choice.

There is so much more out there for less. Trust those little Winks and Whispers. Trust the One who shows you more when you take the time to have less.

Less really is more. Watch and listen. Be still and be happy.

God bless,

Ray ~ humble girl

If this inspires you, or you just like what you have read, please like and share! You can follow me @humblegirl1111 on Instagram, or my Humblegirl page on Facebook, or you can subscribe to my blog by email. Thanks to all who support me and this journey to help others find hope!

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.””
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭14:14‬ ‭

“But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭19:30‬ ‭

“But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭5:16‬ ‭

““I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.””
‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭

“the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;”
‭‭Numbers‬ ‭6:25‬ ‭

““Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭

“For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭12:23‬ ‭

That tug. You know. Like a little lasso wrapped around your heart. A pulling. Persistently drawing you closer to the edge. Beckoning, Enticing you to step on up, captivating you with an intense, burning desire to peer over the edge of your personal precipice. A not so formal invitation to take a deep breath and just

J

U

M

P

But instead you pause. You hover. Stuck somewhere between a desperate need to go and an intense fear of falling. A fear of failing. The grip of worry about the unknown, weariness of unchartered territory tumbling about in your head. The call upon your soul may be alluring, but there seems to be so many distractions holding you back. They chain you down, locking you up, preventing you from taking that leap, that special JUMP.

The chains are made of worries, doubts and the comfort of familiarity. There are voices battling for space in your head, waging war for control. Sometimes it is hard to decipher between the good, and what is trying to lead you astray. It is a war of the mind, and the more intense the battle, the more frightening but possibly rewarding the JUMP.

You look over the edge and the implications seem dizzying, staggering, the descent frightening, the JUMP impossible.

But…

You already know what you want to do or you would have turned around and crawled back to safety. You know this, or you probably wouldn’t still be reading this. You would have scrolled right past, moved on to other distractions meant to deter you from your destiny, these words fading faster than a falling star, as fleeting as a forgotten wish. Yet, you are still here, reading on, forging ahead, wondering if now is the time, if now is your time, to make a move, to go ahead and just JUMP.

So how do you know? You listen. You go somewhere quiet and talk to God. You shut out the world and pour out your heart and open your ears. Or, you look around. You get out of your head, perhaps even out of your house, voyage out into the great wide world and open your eyes to all the beauty that surrounds you, from an iridescent dragonfly to the soft fluff of a dandelion floating on a breeze. The God of creation wasn’t afraid to make us, or make this world, and we are created in His image, created to pursue His will for us, to create, to help, to give, and to take gigantic leaps of faith and to be ready to JUMP when He says JUMP. Would any of this be possible without the boldness of God to begin something new?

Haven’t you heard that all things, even those beyond our imagining are possible for us through Him? (Ephesians 3:20)

Haven’t you been told that He strengthens us to do all things through Him? (Philippians 4:13)

Don’t you know that He wants to fulfill your Godly desires? (Psalms 37:4)

That you can move mountains with faith? (Matthew 21:21)

So what are you afraid of? Failure? He can even use that for your good! (Romans 8:28)

Are you worried about heading in the wrong direction? Listen to Him and He will guide you. (Proverbs 3:6)

And if you were looking for encouragement perhaps read these words (Jeremiah 29:11).

I’m not sure what you want to do. Whether you want to feed a stranger, start that new business venture, buy a van to travel around and see God’s glory and maybe even save some souls along the way, build a treehouse in the middle of nowhere to get away from the trouble and noise of this world, or perhaps even open your heart to Jesus for the first time in your life? Just do it. If you feel God pulling you friend, I say go ahead and make a

J

U

M

P

Do not be afraid, He is with you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Be brave, be bold, have faith.

JUMP.

As always, God bless and much love,

Ray ~ humblegirl

If this inspires you, or you just like what you have read, please like and share! You can follow me @ my Humblegirl page on Facebook, or you can subscribe to my blog by email. Thanks to all who support me and this journey to help others find hope!

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:13‬ ‭

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭37:4‬ ‭

“Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭21:21‬ ‭

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭

“in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:6‬ ‭

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.””
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8‬ ‭

She’s not going to pretend as she sits there typing, deleting, and retyping her text to you, angrily pecking away at the keyboard, that the bitterness inside her doesn’t want to just well up and explode all over you. That she doesn’t want to cover you with all the pain and anger that you tossed all over her for years, that she doesn’t want to douse you with it and light a match and walk away from you while you burn. Walk away like you walked away from her everytime she walked through the fire that you started. She walked through it for you. YOU COULD HAVE walked through the fire with her. But you didn’t. You chose to watch her burn.

She’s no longer going to lie and tell you that everything is okay. That what you did was okay. That she was okay. That you didn’t scare her. She doesn’t want to keep lying to you just to make you feel better, because no matter what you did, what you said, and how you drew blood, she bit her lip and kept her mouth shut, and she started to hate you for that. No matter how you made her feel guilty for the pain you inflicted on yourself for hurting her, she still tried to help you. She can no longer lie and tell you everything is going to be okay, she can’t live that lie anymore. Not even for you. She can’t spend the next 50 years hiding behind a soft heart. She’s tired of covering your wounds while you rip her wide open. YOU COULD HAVE at least tried to heal with her. She’s really tired of being really tired.

She’s not going to keep up the charade that she played for you, because she can’t even remember when her easy smiles became forced, and she wonders how you never noticed. She’s going to always remember now how she almost forgot to always look on the bright side, because sometimes living with you was like living in the dark. Her sunny days became night, because everything that gave her joy gave you a reason to hate her for something else. YOU COULD HAVE been happy for her happy days. You chose instead to ruin them. She was such a fool for letting you.

So she sits there, typing in a dark room, the light of the phone screen glowing in her window, and she catches a glimpse of her reflection, she sees that old familiar enemy in those angry eyes, and she looks so damn haunted she has to look away. She recognizes the anger that has been her faithful companion, the anger that has been by her side longer than you have, and honey, she’s so angry that she’s still so angry, but she’s also more than ready to let it all go. She’s angry that when you talked to her a few days ago, you told her you would try, then she told you how you made her cry, you told her to fix the things that made you lie, which were the very things that made her say goodbye...

She doesn’t want to be that angry anymore. YOU COULD HAVE said sorry. Just once, those five little letters, those two syllables. The letters that spell way more than sorry, they spell accountability. That would have meant the world to her, if only YOU COULD HAVE, and if only you would have meant it. She would be a liar if she didn’t tell you that she’s glad you didn’t apologize for anything, she’s glad you turned it around on her like you always do. She wouldn’t have wanted to make you have to lie again.

It’s late and she’s drinking another cup of stale coffee, when all she wants is a cigarette and a cold bottle of beer. She wants them so bad she can almost smell and taste both. She’d be a liar (like you) if she told you that she didn’t feel weak, sitting here wanting things that hurt her much like she once wanted you. She’d be a liar if she claimed to be strong enough to have quit anything on her own, including you. But she sits here and has a somewhat bittersweet Romans 8:28 moment, knowing that you hating her drinking, and you hating her smoking and that your incessant venom just because those things took time away from you, led her to quit the two things she needed to leave far behind to move forward. YOU COULD HAVE been proud of her for something, for anything. You chose not to be.

She thinks about how she would spend hours working, to come home to take care of you, for you to just be so unhappy with how she tried to do it all. How could she be gone so long all the time? Why do you do it that way? Your constant questioning and criticism wearing her down. She also thinks about times she would be so excited to tell you about an accomplishment, and you would somehow find something wrong with it. Until one day, she just stopped telling you. YOU COULD HAVE tried. YOU COULD HAVE been her number one fan. You really should have, because she deserved that. But you chose not to.

And so maybe she writes, or she paints, or she sings, or she dances, just to get these feelings off her chest, just to find the release she so desperately needs, and her anger dissipates, and she realizes she’s just dissapointed that it took her so long to realize that she didn’t need you to do any of those things for her. She wanted you to, and YOU COULD HAVE, but she didn’t need you to. As her body sobered, her mind cleared, through the haze of yesterday’s smoke and booze, or whatever demon she had conquered, she finally really saw the One who did walk through the fire for her, who helped her heal, who was happy for her, who was sorry that she was hurting, who was proud of her, who relentlessly pursued her, who was her number one fan, the One who loved her like she was, and loves her like she wants to be, who loves you too, who she tried to share with you. YOU COULD HAVE, BUT JESUS DID. And now that is finally more than enough for her.

You probably don’t even remember the last time she let you rip her heart out, but she does. YOU COULD HAVE noticed, but that’s alright. She’s fully satisfied knowing you don’t have that power any longer.

You want her back? There were good times. The way you used to look at her was almost enough for a while, until you stopped looking. She may have stopped looking too. You let your pain get in the way of the one girl who wanted to take it away from you, the girl who foolishly thought she could. She didn’t know at the time that only Jesus could do that, and boy, do you need you some Jesus. Its time for you to let go of a lifetime of regret and pain and anger, so maybe you can finally hold on to the gifts God wants to give you. You’ll never be happy or allow anybody else to be happy until you do. This relationship may or may not be too far gone, but you definitely have another chance to be happy. YOU COULD HAVE a second chance. YOU COULD HAVE another great love story, if you would just heal.

The question is, are you going to take that second chance? Or let it all slip away without a fight? Because honestly, she can’t keep fighting your battles for you, she can’t keep your demons at bay. And honestly? You should never have asked her too. That’s what Jesus is for.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

Love and God Bless,

Ray

If this story is about you, or makes you feel some type of way, remember always that you can’t love anyone else until you learn to love yourself, and self-love begins with Jesus. If this inspires you, or you just like what you read, please like and share! You can follow me @ my Humblegirl page on Facebook, or you can subscribe to my blog by email. Thanks to all who support me and this journey to help others find hope!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant
1 Corinthians 13:4

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, those he redeemed from trouble
Psalms 107:2

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
Proverbs 31:25